March 2009

We have exciting news from the Coalition! Beginning in April of this year we will be sponsoring regular classes each month which are designed to help strengthen and improve marriages no matter what their current state. The curriculum for these classes will be "The Couple Checkup" powered by the popular Prepare/Enrich program which has been a positive force for marriage since 1980. I will highlight a few of the benefits of this course here, but for more information you may want to visit their web site at www.couplecheckup.com. The format of our course will be two hours per night and one night per week for four weeks. To begin the classes will be held on Tuesday night from 7:00pm-9:00pm at the Farmington Municipal Schools CATE Center which is on Court Street just south of Apache. It is the old Swinburne Elementary School.

To begin the course each couple will take an online inventory, or Couple Checkup. No one knows a relationship better than the people involved. The Couple Checkup draws on over 35 years of research and the responses of over 50,000 couples. The Couple Checkup is like taking a snapshot of a relationship at this particular moment in time. The Couple Checkup is designed to help couples build a more satisfying and intimate relationship. While all marriages are unique in some regards there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, nor one that cannot be made even more satisfying. According to The Couple Checkup web site the program helps couples:

* Explore strength and growth areas
* Strengthen communication skills - Resolve conflict using the Ten Step Model
* Develop a more balanced relationship
* Explore family of origin issues
* Discuss financial planning and budgeting
* Establish personal, couple and family goals
* Understand and appreciate personality differences

Our goal is to hold these classes each month of the year except for November and December. As the need and demand increase we envision holding two or more classes each month. The first will be led by Darrel and Chris Clark. Darrel and Chris recently spent a weekend in Albuquerque being trained to lead this class and they are excited about what it will do to impact marriages in our area. More information is available about them at our web site: www.fccmf.org. More information about registration for the class will be available at our web site soon or you may call us at 505.327.7870.

It has been said that there are few, if any, things better in life than a happy marriage and that there are few, if any, things worse than a failing marriage. I encourage you to give this class some serious thought. It could very well turn out to be the greatest investment in time and money that you will ever make in your life.

 

January 2009

Happy New Year! What an amazing time of life when each year we have the opportunity to look backward and forward and evaluate the state of our lives and our relationships. What successes and regrets did we encounter in the past year, and what hopes and expectations do we hold for the new? We at the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage and Family are in the process of doing that very exercise.

Among our successes are that we have had several businesses and churches catch the vision of what we are all about - strengthening marriages and families in the four corners area. These businesses and churches have "put their money where their mouths are" and have contributed financially to our cause. With their help we have begun to develop a very useful web site through which we are able to provide numerous helpful resources to the area. While we are well pleased with the development of the web site, we believe it will continue to grow and improve. The web site's potential is staggering and under the capable direction of Wilann Thomas we are confident that 2009 will see great growth at www.fccmf.org.

Another highlight for us in 2008 was our efforts to promote the movie Fireproof which played at the Allen 10 for six consecutive weeks. The feedback we got from the showing of this movie was outstanding in giving people hope for their troubled marriages. Let's face it - all marriages encounter difficulties at times. In fact, all interpersonal relationships have their down moments, but this movie helped people realize there is always hope that things may improve if the parties will stay and fight for the relationship instead of the all too common reaction of cut and run. By the way, another movie that incorporates that message is Marley and Me. It's a high and low movie for dog lovers, but carries a strong pro-marriage theme which my wife and I found to be truly refreshing and encouraging.

And finally, as we look back at 2008 we are pleased that we have been able to acquire some much needed equipment and infrastructure to be able to enable us to distribute pro-marriage materials to businesses, churches and organizations in our area. We are so pleased that Darrel Clark has joined us and that he will be assisting with our development efforts in 2009. We are also very pleased that Christie Clark joined us in 2008 and has been a tremendous help in keeping our finances in sound organizational shape.

Among our regrets of 2008 are that it has been a far longer and more difficult struggle than some of us imagined. We have had out share of challenges - some of which we have faced successfully and some which threatened, and came close, to torpedo the entire effort of our coalition. Our efforts to fund raise were not as successful as we had hoped, although, again we are encouraged by those who did contribute and more have joined the coalition in recent weeks.

One of our goals for the coalition in 2008 was to provide ongoing marriage and family education classes for the community. While that goal was not accomplished we are pleased to announce that we have joined forces with the Healthy Marriage folks in Albuquerque and have scheduled a two day training in February which will equip local couples to be able to conduct a four week, 8 hour class in marriage skills. We are excited about this class which has a proven track record for helping folks face the inevitable challenges of marriage and to successfully overcome them. Be watching our web site for more details on how you might get involved in this life-changing effort. We thank Lee Fiske, our board president for his persistence in seeing that this integral part of our work becomes a reality.

As we look forward to the coming year, we are still on track to bring Dr Gary Chapman, of Five Love Language fame, to the Farmington civic Center on March 7, 2009. This daylong event will provide excellent information and encouragement for marriages at all levels of satisfaction or dissatisfaction.

We are also in negotiation with Dr John Van Epp, creator of the How to Avoid Marrying a JERK program for an event in the fall of 2009. This program is aimed specifically at high school and college aged individuals to help them make right decisions in their important relationships.

The DVD version of the movie Fireproof is set for release on or about January 27, 2009. We have purchased several copies of the Love Dare book which we will be promoting along with other marriage enrichment ideas to continue to feed off of the movie.

With the addition of our new printer we are on track to produce and distribute pro-marriage and family brochures covering a variety of topics dealing with finances, conflict, commitment and more. As we succeed you will see these brochures at numerous locations throughout San Juan County at first, and then into Southern Colorado.

Imagine the impact on marriages and families in our area with classes, events, brochures, web site articles and references, and more, all contributing to the endeavor to strengthen marriages and families. That’s what we are all about and we welcome your help and participation. The nature of a coalition is that many entities combine their talents, resources and efforts to the common cause. We realize that we have taken on a mighty challenge, but remain steadfast to seeing it be successful one day, one marriage, and one family at a time.

Have a great 2009!

December 2008

Last month I mentioned that we at the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family have lofty goals to strengthen marriages and families in our region. I also cited a marriage enrichment course called PREP which we had hoped to hold on the weekend of 12/5 and 6. Unfortunately we ran into some technical issues which has forced us to delay that class until the weekend of January 23 and 24, 2009. The location may also change so please check back with our web site for the latest information which should be available by mid-December. I also promised to tell you about another course we intend to hold twice in 2009 entitled Married and Loving It! Here, as promised is that information.

Married and Loving It!, is a program designed to strengthen marriages by teaching relationship skills and by presenting the research findings about successful and happy marriages. The course consists of five classes that are taught one night a week for five consecutive weeks, lasting 2 hours each night. Class titles are: Communication, Finances: Freedom or Fiasco?, Madly in Love, Conflict: For Better or For Worse?, and Marriage: A Daily Affair.

Barbara Petty, the originator of the program, states that whether you are madly in love just starting your marriage, in the child rearing stage, the empty nest, or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary, you can learn new skills to strengthen your marriage relationship instruction. Here are some quotes from satisfied participants of the Married and Loving It! course:

• It gave us specific things to work on and at the same time helped us both to realize we both want this marriage to work. (Married 8 years)
• We have a good marriage. It has made us stronger. It has helped us deal with spouse's parents divorce. (Married 12 years)
• It has given me the tools to work with for making a better marriage. (Engaged)
• Since taking Married and Loving It!, I can't tell you the number of times I have said to my spouse, This is what you said is that what you meant? (Married 2 years)
• I am trying to be a better listener as a result of Married and Loving It. (Married 22 years, currently separated)
• It has helped me with my communication. (Married 40 years.)

Couples from all ages and stages of married life are encouraged to attend Married and Loving It! The class series is scheduled to be taught on Tuesday evenings from 6:30pm-8:30pm. The first course is set for March 24 - April 21, 2009 and the second is set for September 22 - October 20, 2009. The location is not been determined at this point. To discuss this course, or any other marriage related issue, please feel free to call me at the Coalition phone number 505 327-7870 or e-mail me at ronp@fccmf.org. Successful and satisfying marriage is not rocket science, but it does require basic skills. We at the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family are eager, willing and able to help provide those skills to couples throughout the Four Corners area.

For More Information Contact: Ron Price at 505-327-7870

 

November 2008

Written by Ron Price

We at the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family have lofty goals to strengthen marriages and families in our region. One major component of our efforts will be to offer marriage enrichment classes throughout the year. At present, we plan to offer two effective, but different programs, each twice per year. Next month I will tell you more about Married and Loving It, a 5-week course which we intend to hold in the spring and late fall of 2009. The first course we will offer is scheduled for December 5 and 6 at the Farmington Municipal Schools CATE Center . Part one will be on Friday evening from 6:30pm – 8:30pm and part two will be on Saturday from 9:00am – 4:30pm. The curriculum for this course is PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program). PREP is highly regarded as being a very comprehensive divorce-prevention/marriage enhancing program.

According to their web site “PREP is a skills and principles-building curriculum designed to help partners say what they need to say, get to the heart of problems, and increase their connection with each other”.

I have been certified as a PREP facilitator since 2001 and can attest to its having relevance and benefit for marriages at most every stage and situation. Engaged couples and newly-weds will find help to form good habits for a successful, stable and satisfying marriage. Already successful couples will find opportunities to grow even closer together and to better meet each other’s needs. Couples who are struggling in their marriage will find welcome relief and guidance in ways to better handle the challenges they face.

PREP is not counseling or therapy. It is a skills based program designed to teach folks how to “do” marriage. As I cited in an earlier article, it is peculiar that we will take lessons for most everything we wish to be successful with - except for marriage and parenting. We take golf lessons, piano lessons, driving lessons, computer lessons, etc. but somehow believe that marriage requires no formal preparation or instruction. Unfortunately, we are seeing the consequences of this line of reasoning in divorce courts all around our nation and community. Marriage is not all that difficult if the spouses know how to do their part and how to meet the needs of their partner. Again, citing the PREP web site, “When it comes to loving the most important people in our lives, no one can ever learn too much. Research shows that while therapy can be extremely helpful in certain situations, much of what goes wrong in loving relationships has much to do with never having learned the skills and principles associated with successful relationships. That's why we developed an educational program to teach couples the skills and principles they need to maintain a healthy and lasting relationship.” Much of the PREP course involves teaching, but ample time is included for practice of the newly acquired skills. This practice is between spouses only and no one is embarrassed or pressured to share with others in the class. Among the topics we will cover are how to:

• communicate more openly and effectively
• reduce communication patterns that can damage your relationship(s)
• clarify important expectations
• protect and preserve fun and friendship, and
• how to preserve and enhance commitment in marriage.

All marriages can likely benefit from acquiring these skills. However, PREP is not designed for every marriage. Couples with severe financial concerns would be better served by taking a course in that field. Couples with substance abuse, addictions or compulsive behaviors would likely not benefit much from the PREP course. The same holds true for persons experiencing serious mental and/or emotional health issues. Marriages experiencing domestic violence may or may not benefit depending on the specifics of their case. All domestic violence is harmful, destructive and should be unacceptable in a marriage. If the violence stems from inability to communicate and has not risen to levels of physical abuse, the couple may be good candidates for the PREP course. I would be happy to visit with any such couple and their counselors to see if it might be a good fit.

Please feel free to call me to discuss your particular situation and when necessary discuss referrals to more appropriate entities. For the rest of you who have good marriages or simply want a better marriage I hope you’ll give some thought to spending the 5th and 6th of December with us. I’m confident you’ll be glad you did.

 

October 2008

Written by Ron Price

Marriage and parenting are arguably two of the most significant experiences in a person’s life. Doesn’t it seem a bit odd that we as a society believe that neither requires preparation to be able to function effectively in the vital roles of spouse and parent? To get married in San Juan County all a couple must do is go together to the county clerk; provide proof of their social security numbers and dates of birth; and pay a fee of $25.00 Some may remember having to take a blood test, but that was done away with around 1995. The only requirement the couple then must meet is that the wedding must be performed in the State of New Mexico.

Couples who wish to produce children may do so without meeting any pre-qualifications at all. Now, I’m not suggesting that we have the government dictate how people will raise children or how many and when they will have them. But, I will propose that we as a society are paying a hefty price for our failure to help people navigate through the tricky waters of marriage and parenthood.

According to a recent report entitled “The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing” co-published by the Institute for American Values, our nation incurs an annual cost of 112 billion dollars due to what they call “family fragmentation”. The total cost for New Mexico alone is estimated to be 230 million dollars per year. Having been a divorce mediator since 1987, I believe the costs of divorce and unwed parenting are far higher in terms of devastated lives and the ongoing cycle of marriage and divorce.

So what are we to do? Say that’s the way it’s always been and there’s really not much we can do about it? I certainly hope not. We at the Four Corners Coalition for Marriage & Family are committed to addressing this problem in assorted ways. For one we will promote the awareness and usage of pre-marital inventories. Some such inventories are FOCCUS, PREPARE, and RELATE. All have their strong points and limitations, but each is designed to help couples maximize their chance of forging a solid marital union. While it may be common sense for couples to discuss before the wedding how many children they would like to have together, and where they would like to live, and how involved they want to be with their families of origin, etc. common sense is unfortunately not often common practice.

There are several individuals in our local area who are certified to work with couples using the FOCCUS inventory. By responding to a wide variety of questions, a couple will receive a computer generated printout showing areas of strong agreement and areas of disagreement. The inventory is not meant to tell a couple that they should or should not marry, but it is designed to help them go into the marriage with their eyes and hearts more open. We are presently in discussion with a group in Albuquerque who is willing and able to train local couples to administer the PREPARE pre-marital inventory. Similar to FOCCUS, this instrument will also give couples a clearer picture of what may lie ahead for their marriage. Many people take this inventory and decide marriage is not their best option. While this is bound to create frustration and disappointment most thinking people would agree its far better to get divorced before the wedding than after.

In addition to pre-marital inventories we as a coalition will make marriage education courses available to the community which will have application for pre-married and already married couples. One such course, PREP, Prevention and Relationship Enhancement was designed by professors at the University of Denver Marriage and Family Studies Department. PREP is being used around the country and abroad to give folks skill in dealing with marriage concerns. Our military men and women are well familiar with PREP as it is offered to them by all branches of our armed forces.

We will cover PREP and other pro-marriage courses in our next article. Until then, please remember that marriage is still a viable and rewarding and necessary institution in our society. If yours isn’t working well at the moment please contact us so we can help you tune it up and get it going in the right direction.