March 2009

Someone recently said that when churches work well it is a miracle. I agree, and believe the same can be said about most relationships – especially marriages. When you think about it, a marriage is a union of two selfish, self-centered people who usually focus primarily on getting what they want out of life. Now that is not meant as a put down on anyone. We are all in the same boat when it comes to our human condition. And, by the way, have you ever noticed that when we use the term “human nature” we are rarely, if ever, describing a positive quality or virtue? It should come as no surprise that marriages are failing at an alarming and discouraging rate. Children in particular, and our society as a whole, are paying a great price for this epidemic. Along with self-centeredness, another reason for this situation is that couples are getting married without being well grounded in what is necessary for marriages to succeed. They are also, for the most part, ill-prepared for the challenges that all marriages will face. In this and ensuing columns I plan to discuss, and offer remedies for, five “germs” that are infecting and killing marriages today. These “germs” will ultimately destroy any relationship if they are not recognized and treated. The research behind this information comes from the PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) organization and from Michelle Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busting) who has authored numerous books on marriage. Gary Smalley, who also has authored numerous books and courses on marriage, took the research done by the PREP folks and coined the term “germs” to describe relationship interactions which cause marital satisfaction to nose dive.

Escalation is one such germ. Escalation occurs when one partner does or says something to which the other reacts negatively and increases the destructive tone. The instigating partner could at this point soften his or her tone which would likely lead to a productive discussion of the matter. The common reaction, however, is to respond with even greater negativity which sends the interaction into a downward spiral which can, and usually does, cause serious damage to the relationship. Now please know that some escalation is bound to occur in every marriage and it need not be a big deal. If, however, escalation is a major recurring event in the marriage it had better be addressed and fixed or divorce will be the likely outcome.

In next month’s article I will cover the second germ – negative interpretation, another far too common, yet fixable challenge faced in all marriages. There is a remedy which applies to all of the germs which I will cover in a future column. For the time being let me simply encourage you to come up with a time-out signal which either party can utilize when he or she feels the conversation is beginning to escalate. This time-out must be honored, however it is equally important that whoever calls for the time-out must arrange for a time-in, or a time when they will sit together and discuss the issue which precipitated the escalation in the first place. This tool is called “time-out” not “cop-out”. You have the right to tell your partner you are not in a right frame of mind to discuss a matter at a particular moment – you do not have the right to prohibit discussion of an issue which they feel needs to be discussed. A typical time-out period is from 30 minutes to 24 hours.

For more information on calling time-out or addressing other issues in your marriage, please feel free to contact me at the Coalition phone number: 505 327-7870. Please also consider enrolling in a new course which we will begin offering on Tuesday, April 7th. It will be a 4 week course which will be offered every month except for November and December. Darrel and Christy Clark will be our first presenters. For more information or to register for the course please see the link at this web site.

There is no doubt that marriage can be tricky business at times, but with the proper tools and right attitude marriage can be all you hoped for when you said “I Do”. That is our hope for you. Please let us know how we can help.

Ron Price
Executive Director